| music makes me know that I'm all right. I don't have to listen to anything sad or liberating or angry. that's when I know I've crossed the threshold.
you're like a faucet. you pour out so easily. with enough strength I can turn you off..
cause I'd rather be dry than drown.
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| yeah last night I needed to admit a lot of things to myself. I feel better. hopeful. ready for this weekend. |
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| fuck my dad for dieing.
fuck growing up. when I was 16 I thought I'd have everything I wanted and everything figured out by 18. wrong. 2 years after turning 18...still wrong.
when I was 16 I was so excited about love
so far the only love I've seen has been empty fuckin selfish shit
maybe reading posts from high school was a bad idea.
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| samuel herrington stewart will always have my heart.
this semester has been intense. so many new people and new experiences. ultimately, all tears and anger aside, this semester has been crucial and beautiful.
I've had heartbreak since high school. (well, with sam there seems to be a constant heartbreak, but yeah.) this was the first time since sam that I really tried. I got what I thought I wanted, but then that changed. I fell for someone who was just supposed to be a body, something fun, something convenient. no doubt I grew so much because of it, but I still want to take it all back. I know I'm going to be fine. I'm always better. I just hope it doesn't take as long to bounce back as it did before. it's hard to be a person that only wants to see good in people. I want to bring out that goodness in others. I want to make you the very best version of you. that may be selfish on my part.
I knew it was a bad idea. but I always know that and I always dive in with eyes closed and heart open. at least with this type of person. why can't I do that with someone worth caring about? but see there lies the problem...I care about everyone. it's a great quality, but also a detrimental one.
I was just another experience. just like so many others. some of whom I have to act like I know nothing about. if only they knew who we all have in common.
it'd be cool to be number 1 for a change.
Hello, I'm number 17. where do you make it on the list?
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| it's been 6 years today since my dad died.
it still feels like it just happened.
I'm afraid I'm forgetting he was ever there.
I wonder what kind of person I would be if he were still alive. I think I would be braver.
When he died I became scared of so many things. I'm just realizing it now. I think I am who I am because of that...because I lost the only man I ever trusted and because I almost lost my mom two years ago. I am cautious because death has been too close to me. I am scared because I have felt one of the greatest losses. I have been feeling it for 6 years. I have been lonely for 6 years. I have been searching for someone to make me feel as content and as safe as my dad made me feel. I just really really miss him.
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